Five Star Reviews

Bertram & Gertrude’s Steamy Amsterdam Weekend.  Five Star Reviews by renowned authors John Needham, Janelle kahele and by Jay Scully on

Bertram & Gertrude’s Steamy Amsterdam Weekend. Five Star Reviews by renowned ‘people that you have probably never heard of’ on

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Bertram & Gertrude get released from Police custody

When he awoke, Bertram determined to make a series of scratches on the cell wall to mark the passing of days.  There would be six vertical scratches crossed by a seventh diagonal scratch to mark off each complete week.  It was a good system that he had seen used in many films, usually involving Steve McQueen.  In the fullness of time, when every avenue of wrongdoing had been explored and Police investigations had come to fruition, when he was finally summoned to the processing office for charging, he counted the scratches on his wall and then counted them a second time to double check.  There were none.

As it turned out, when Bertram and Gertrude met again in the processing office, they were told simply that they could go.

“You may go,” said the processing rozzer*, and continued with his paperwork.
[*English slang meaning a Police Oficer.]

Continue reading Bertram & Gertrude get released from Police custody

Trouble at Rene’s…

As they walked, Bertram asked Gertrude, “Have you ever visited Rene’s, old thing?”

“No. What’s Rene’s? Is it another sex shop?”

“Ah, no my dear, Rene’s is the best street café and cake shop in the known world and if I’m right, it’s only five minutes from here. A great place for an afternoon snack. They do very good coffee, great filled croissants and the best cakes that I’ve ever eaten. Their apple strudel is worth the trip to Amsterdam on its own.”

“Ooh, sounds yummy,” said Gertrude. “It’s lucky that I left my diet at home.”

When they got to Rene’s, the several coffees that she had drunk already that morning had made their collective presence felt in Gertrude’s bladder.

“Do they have a loo here? I’m bursting for a pee.”

Continue reading Trouble at Rene’s…

Bertie meets The Guild of Calvinist Christian Women.

It might be worth noting at this point that the Netherlands Guild of Calvinist Christian Women have stern views on Amsterdam’s red light areas. Very stern views.

Continue reading Bertie meets The Guild of Calvinist Christian Women.

Breakfast at the patisserie…

They found a patisserie on Sint Antoniesbreestraat that Gertrude fell in love with immediately. It was uncluttered, furnished with old pine furniture and well lit by antique brass chandeliers niftily converted to electric. The walls housed large, gold-framed mirrors and were decorated in dark reds and greens, with a fleur-de-lys picked out in gold leaf here and there. Where the aging mahogany countertop, piled high with pastries, abutted the wall, it was lined with antique Delft tiles, adding a further splash of style to the old-world feel. The woodblock floor was well worn and welcoming to the visitor, as was the aroma of good coffee hanging in the air.

Continue reading Breakfast at the patisserie…

Never, ever, wipe it on her curtains!

Enhancing the aftermath experience…

…Bertram asked, “Did I ever write and tell you of my colleague and chum Toby’s experience regarding love making and more particularly, ahem… enhancing the aftermath experience?”

“No sweetie, I don’t recollect such a story,” came Gertrude’s answer.

Continue reading Never, ever, wipe it on her curtains!

Sex before breakfast anyone?

The next morning arrived some time before Bertram awoke and was there, peeping through the curtains, waiting for him to wake up and shake a leg. He opened one eye then the other, thinking, ‘Hang on a moment, where is Teddy-Odd-Ears? This isn’t my room…’  It was a couple of seconds later that he remembered he was in Amsterdam and that last evening he’d had the time of his life. So, if he was not hallucinating, he deduced that Gertrude would be lying in bed next to him and Teddy-Odd-Ears would be sat on his suitcase. He wasn’t, and they were!


Continue reading Sex before breakfast anyone?

Agent Bertram on the dangers of Pole Vaulting…

Gertrude was by now, starting to realize her error but couldn’t help herself observing, “Surely Bertie, you don’t really have the build for a pole-vaulter and never did, from what I can remember.”

Continue reading Agent Bertram on the dangers of Pole Vaulting…

…and Pavlov came too!

“But I thought that Pavlov was a ballerina,” said Bertie, a little confused.

“I was thienking that he was a fruity meringue,” offered Grietja.

“Well maybe he was, but he had this dog and it kept having things taken away from it, if you catch my drift. Now, if Bertie doesn’t want his nookie declared forfeit, he’ll jolly well sit down and be a good boy!”

Continue reading …and Pavlov came too!