The next morning arrived some time before Bertram awoke and was there, peeping through the curtains, waiting for him to wake up and shake a leg. He opened one eye then the other, thinking, ‘Hang on a moment, where is Teddy-Odd-Ears? This isn’t my room…’ It was a couple of seconds later that he remembered he was in Amsterdam and that last evening he’d had the time of his life. So, if he was not hallucinating, he deduced that Gertrude would be lying in bed next to him and Teddy-Odd-Ears would be sat on his suitcase. He wasn’t, and they were!
In the movies on these occasions, our heroes would wake up to the sound of bird song and sit up in bed with early morning sunlight streaming through the picture windows, bathing the stylish room in its warming glow as satin sheets slid from tanned and toned bodies. The view through the windows would be of mature deciduous woodland where there would be deer and red squirrels frolicking over a carpet of dead leaves, amongst wisps of ground mist. Our protagonists would look into each other’s eyes and kiss passionately. He would, as is customary on these movie occasions, slide under the remaining bedclothes to perform oral sex on her before they made passionate love three times prior to a light breakfast of rabbit’s-milk yogurt, nuts and a few woodland berries. A fine way to start the day!
In our case and in order to avoid the reader disappearing in a froth of self abuse, reality had paid a house call and Bertram quickly realized that he smelled like an over ripe Stilton and was desperate for a pee. He looked over at Gertrude, noticing that she resembled a drunken lush who had been dropped off the back of a truck, lying on her side with hair stuck to face, lipstick smeared over cheek and slobber drooling from her open mouth onto the pillow. Regretfully, this is what most people find when they wake up after an evening of hot sex, drugs and alcohol. There is no way that anyone in their right mind wants to perform oral sex before breakfast!
