The Midges are Gathering Strength

I Saw A Midge!

Early this morning I ventured into the great outdoors and occupied my veranda, wondering what I should do today.  Should I write my new thesis on how to take a bath using only a pint of water?  Or should I slag off Nicola Sturgeon?  Guess which won…

Today the sun has put his hat on and decided to pay us a visit, so all is well in our little corner of Argyll.  Gossamer veils of hazy mist rose from the damp grass before the sun baked them off but it was upon noticing this that the horror of it struck me.  The tiny wee flies that hovered in the air, sharpening their fangs, were none other than the dreaded Scottish midge.

The words from Lord Of The Rings, one of my favourite books, strode meaningfully across my mind. “And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. The midges of last year became gossip, gossip became history, history became rumour and rumour became legend.  Legend ran for it, disappearing down the forest path of time where it tripped over a log and became myth.  And for two and a half thousand hours, the little bastards passed out of all knowledge”.  

But lo, the dark lady Sturgeon has conjured them back into being and she has made them hungry, especially the lady midges who need my juicy blood protein to make their eggs.  You will notice from the image below that the dark lady Sturgeon does not get bitten by midges.  There are two reasons for this.  Firstly the midges die of dwarf poisoning if they bite her, secondly little Nicola avoids the countryside at all costs and only goes there when in desperate need of votes.

Nicola Sturgeon - Evil!
Nicola Sturgeon – Evil!

In short the midges are back and we could be in deep Progressive SNP Nicola Sturgeon do-doos.  However, there could be money in this.  I shall put in for more funding as a disadvantaged minority!  Yay!

Get your midge repellant ready, the onslaught is about to begin!

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Agent Bertram. Bertram spends most of his time at The Ministry fulfilling his role as an intelligence analyst, looking after the interests of Her Majesty The Queen and finding ever more ingenious ways to ensure that The Duke of Edinburgh stays out of trouble... When the need arises Agent Bertram is seconded to The Netherlands Secret Service to help his chums fight dastardly crime in Amsterdam. This is where he has most of his thrilling adventures.

3 thoughts on “The Midges are Gathering Strength”

  1. Yes, midges. I once did a very brave thing, unwittingly. I won’t do it again. Camped beside Loch Lomond at the end of July. Little bastards!

    1. I walked the West Highland Way as a younger man. Camping at Inversnaid on the first night I was flayed alive by the midges. I had a smoke spiral and some spray but it did me no good.

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